I’d hate for anyone to think I have some sort of anti-family agenda. I don’t. It’s just that I think families are dumb and awful, is all.

Or maybe I’m just in a bad mood because I live in Texas and it’s a bazillion-dillion-flilion degrees outside. I checked my phone and the weather app just said “I stopped counting after it stopped mattering.” I can’t blame it, after a certain point, “too damn hot” becomes completely indistinguishable from “scientifically more too damn hot” to my puny human brain. Best to just stay inside and hope the baleful daystar makes its daily retreat to the soulless black void from whence it came. Maybe then it’ll be safe to take the trash to the curb.

Maybe. Or maybe it’s vile compatriot Humidity will keep up the battle while it pauses its onslaught to rest and think up new ways to torture us with hotness. Or maybe that’s just the heat delirium setting in again. Better trust it, just in case.