Battle Damage Accountant; new from Violently Unstable Action Figures Inc! She also comes with accessories, like a ledger, an empty bottle of gin, and some deep-seated neurosis that she’s unsure how to deal with. Get yours before the Christmas rush!

Speaking of the Christmas rush, man, hey. Hey. I know you people all have gifts to buy, or whatever. I know it’s a time-honored American tradition to put shit off until the last possible minute. But look, here’s the deal. I need to buy food. And occasionally office chairs. If you people would just set down your e-readers and your crack pipes for twenty seconds and get your damn holiday shopping done ahead of time, I wouldn’t have to contend with you at the checkout. Or in the parking lot. Or the bathroom. Good sweet Christ are there a lot you out there right now.

I don’t have any presents to buy. I just need these pipe cleaners. Please let me through.